Games I fondly recall.

We like to play games in my family. For as far back as I can recall, family get-togethers meant evenings with cards, monopoly or, best of all The Game of Life. It had a wheel and little cars! My sister and I had an extensive collection of board games; everything from Sorry and Battleship to Nancy Greene’s Downhill Ski Challenge. Surely you can imagine how terrible that last one was, and yet we gave it our best. We tried them all.

Over the years I have played countless games of Pictionary, Balderdash, Scattegories, Trivial Pursuit (all of the classic editions) and Cranium. I have fought against the best and been partnered with the worst. And from these games, I bring you a few of my most fondly recalled moments:

1. “You’ll put someone’s eye out with that!” (Pictionary)

What, with this sharpened pencil? Well the game is called “Pictionary,” moron, not “stare blankly at a sheet with the self-explanatory doodle on it while my reputation as a top player is flushed down the toilet along with what was clearly your best output of the day.”  Cripes. In my home, whipping a pencil at someone’s face was just a quick reminder to up your game a bit, Dopey.  What? Yes, fine, I really didn’t think this relationship was going anywhere, either.

2. ” CHOC-O-LATE MOUSSE!” (Cranium)

“FOR THE LOVE OF LISA LOEB, HOW CAN YOU SEE A PICTURE OF A MOOSE AND A BAR OF CHOCOLATE, AND NOT PIECE THIS ONE TOGETHER?? What kind of idiot can you be to utter both words and yet still not be able to string together chocolate mousse?? Chocolate deer? Moose bar? Are you shitting me? Our time is almost up, just guess it oh God the grains of sand! AHHHH CHOCOLATE MOUUUUUUUSSSE!! CHOCOLATE MOUSSE! CHOC-CO-LATE MOUSSE!! YOU  CLEARLY NEED TO RETHINK YOUR COMMITMENT TO THIS GAME!”

What’s that? Your cousin John wants to leave because I remonstrated him for loosing the chocolate mousse round? His wife just left him and he’s feeling a bit vulnerable? Why would you put that guy on my team? OK, yes, fine, sure….perhaps you both need to go.

3. “Cuts like knife.” (Humzingers)

Dear god this entire game is about humming songs and making your partner guess them? Why did I partner with her? Listen to that noise. She’s got one note, one tone, it’s like she’s melodically flat-lining. Every song sounds exactly like the previous one, and yet none of them sound like songs. I can’t take this. What am I going to do? She’s destroying us! DEAR GOD WE ARE SO FAR BEHIND WE’LL NEVER CATCH UP. SHE’S TAKING A MONOTONE HAMMER TO EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT MY LIFE!!
“THAT’S IT! SHUT UP! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE? LIKE FRANKENSTEIN AND BRYAN ADAMS HAD A BABY!”

At this point, little else of the evening is recalled save for my impression of FrankenAdams. Smashing a stiff arm against an imaginary guitar, I pounded one rigid, straight leg into the ground repeatedly while shouting, in my very loudest and most terrifying monotone,  ”Cuts like knife…feel so right…cuts like knife. YOU SOUND LIKE FUCKING FRANKENSTEIN!!!”

Memories. They bring a tear to the eye.

In future posts, I will address my poor skill at the game of cards, and with that my plans to off my loyal friend S and bury her body in the back garden, enabling me to possibly win one goddamn hand of cards in this lifetime.

*Some of you would suggest that cheap booze had a bit to do with the disappearance of my prom from the memory banks. To you I say… fair cop.