A swift kick for justice.

There are many people in this world today who are in need…of a swift kick to the slats!

Before we get in to the details, I did consider making this part of the List of Grievances, but I believe if you have reached the point of deserving a kick in the slats, you’ve moved past grievance. And being a woman does not exempt you.  Just ask my friend R who got a (wholly undeserved) whale of kick to the slats during a basketball game. She crumpled to the floor in  pain so intense that when the  referee ran over to check on her, she could do nothing but look pleadingly in his eyes, before marshaling all of the air in her lungs to bellow “MY BIIIIIIIIIIRD!!!”

Confused? Who isn’t, friend?

What gets you on the list? It’s not a particular thing you do or event so much as a rating on my Sliding Scale of Annoyance (SSA). The SSA allows for those with more wealth or privilege to get an even swifter kick in the slats. Why? For being a new money gobshite.  I can, however,  reverse the SSA at any time, should a hillbilly really piss me off.  The problem is that hillbillies tend to congregate in little shirtless mobs, so you had better be ready to run if you deliver a swifter to their Appalachian berries. Mobby as fuck, those hillbillies.

All right, let’s start this list up with five. In no particular order  - though when I do attempt to rank, you all know that that Connery bastard comes in first, right? I’ll kick him and the shark he rode in on! Yeah, OK…no particular order:

1. Oh what the hell. SEAN CONNERY. He makes the list for reasons detailed here. I’ll not waste another character on that tartan numpty.

2. The Pope. Let’s just say this one is for the children. Note: Approach this target with care, as I have heard that underneath those robes is a mini-bar stocked with candy, juice packs and  sacramental wine ( to loosen things up). You won’t want to kick that by accident.

Statue commemorating the well known folk tale of L'il Leisel, the girl who saved her whole town with one well placed slat kick to a flip-flop wearing freshman.

3. People who move their lips while they read.  Like a fish drowning in air. If I see them at the book store, I have a decent urge to give them a swiftie and see if, while writhing on the floor clutching their nethers, they will mouth the words “WHY GOD WHY?” Don’t say it out loud, Goldie, just move your lips.

4. Soft Knockers. They  come to your slightly ajar office door and gently, ever so gently, graze their knuckles on the door. Will you hear this? Doubtful. It’s quiet in your office, yet you can just barely make out the sound. Was that the door? What was that?   Will they knock louder, in hopes that you will hear them? Will they fuck. They’ll start hovering. Moving slowly back and forth, from foot to foot, just out of your sight, but ensuring their shadow causes enough of a movement to catch your eye. Hover hover hoverhoverhover.  They don’t make a sound, for apparently I am like a gazelle on the Serengeti and may bolt wildly if they make their presence known. Do I call to them, invite them in? Do I fuck. Eschewing the Jane Goodall school of unobtrusive observation, I yank the door open, deal them their fate with the flat of my foot and then wait to see…if a soft knocker falls in the hallway and no one is there, do they make a sound? Yes. It’s wheezy.

5. People who do things like push their dog in the swimming pool and then laugh. I don’t have a comical story for this one, I have just always hated douchebags who do things like that to dogs or cats. Does that make you feel smarter than your dog? Yes? How does the flat of my foot sending your clackers back up their route of descent make you feel? Thought so.

Well that’s it for now. But there are more – so many more, that I’m sure we’ll have another installment of the Slat Kicking List in the very near future.