Never one to avoid trend-whoring and blatant attempts to widen my readership, today I’m going to dabble my toes in Mommy Blogging! It seems to be the thing to do, and Lord knows I love children. I mean, if you marinate them. Ha ha I kid – it’s me whose marinating. I just love the little Christers.
But seriously, folks, it’s no secret that I’m not a fan of babies. I’ve never had the urge to procreate, though some take issue with my lack of issue. They assure me that one day I will feel a tweak in my womb and then the baby craze will be on. I point out that in high school I was voted Most Likely to Eat My Own Young. And it was a fair cop.
Luckily, as I age and wizen visibly, that particular brand of condescension gets less and less frequent. And they couldn’t be further from correct, but that’s not surprising as most of the people who feel the need to comment barely know me. Those who do know me feel ripples of relief at my choice to remain childless. If you’ve ever seen the look that passes ever so fleetingly* on my face when a toddler begins a whinge symphony, you know it’s the right choice. My faithful companion S loves it when we enter a restaurant and they make the mistake of asking me where I would like to be seated if there is a child in the vicinity…because it’s not where I would like to be seated, it’s where I would not like to be seated.
My sister’s children, however, get a begrudging pass. Though I can’t imagine why I like them more than other children, as I have never had a strange child trick me into sticking my hand into a diaper full of poo. A child unknown to me has never waited until I was the only adult around and then painted the walls with his own filth. Do we see a theme here?
But I shouldn’t blame the children. I blame the diaper manufacturers. HOW THE COCKING HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW THESE THINGS WORK? One minute we’re using safety pins, the next it’s sticky tabs, then Velcro and now I suppose diapers stay on due to nano-magnets, implanted into the children when they are born. I have no flipping idea. I will tell you what does work – duct tape. In fact, for child care in general, duct tape works a treat. Now some of you may be horrified at the suggestion of using duct tape to maintain order in a household, and to you I say this: you don’t drink enough or this would make perfect sense.
In closing, I would like to point out two things:
1. I know you think your baby is charming, and while I don’t have anything personally against him, I think he smells a bit off. Please take him off my lap.
2. It’s maTERNITY leave. Not Mat Leave. MATERNITY. Are those three syllables so much effort? It’s like the baby ate your brain. And don’t make that face. You’re the one who gets a year off to hang out at Mommy-baby yoga. I’m still holding down the fort at the office, resisting the urge to kill that weird little fellow from engineering.
Mommy-blogging. It’s not just for breeders anymore!
* “fleetingly” Ha!
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Did I not know you better, I might say “Oh your Mother will have the big one” But alas lass, I do and I know pretty well what your family and close friends will say, or not. Just you wait till my spawn spawns some of their own, Ha Ha
Also what I was thinking haha!
I’m sure your father will make an excellent grandfather – good times with grampy. In unrelated news, I’m thinking of keeping my little apartment, should I ever need it for an evening or weekend or something
Did you just call me a fat baby? How much booze have you had? Also, I don’t babysit. Not until they are old enough to work for me, anyway.
Duct tape maybe, staples NO. I leave you with that. Now I must go have a glass of wine and enjoy the rest of my MATernity leave. Now where did I put my GD yoga mat?
Hmm…I’m writing that staples tip down. Disappointing though.
Mommy bloggers hate to be called mommy bloggers. They’re Mom Bloggers. Get with it C! Geez
Well I wouldn’t want to be seen to be disrespecting them in any way…
hehehehe… I wish everyone could have seen your face when we came home and the “poo on the walls” incident had happened. Personally, I have always looked at that as poetic justice. (For the record, if they cannot talk it is hard for a 2 yr old to ‘deceive you’)
HOw can you have three children and not understand their basic nature?
This is the first time I’ve read your blog, but it won’t be the last. LOL Little did I know when I clicked on it that you’d be mocking my very situation on matERNITY leave, though I can assure you it isn’t all mommy and baby yoga in my house.
Your plan to never have children is likely a wise one, because this post was the karma equivalent to peeing in the wind. When it comes to parenting, mocking someone’s challenges ENSURES you get kids that give it to you 100 times over.
I too have never heard the ticking of the mythical biological clock …. although it has occurred to me that as a perennial late developer, and if I live that long, it’s entirely possible I’ll get to 75 and think ‘oooh – I want a baby’.
Nah. Never gonna happen.
I have stopped frequenting a local coffee shop that I very much liked because they have set up a play room for the local little darlings. I would have no objection to this at all but for two little details: no lock; but more importantly no bloody door! I don’t find it remotely charming when I’m enjoying my full-fat latte and stuffing my face with a big wodge of cake while reading the paper, to find the tiny terrorists charging around whooping and throwing stuff. Stuff that lands in aforesaid latte. While the parents gaze adoringly at them, fondly imagining that everyone is marvelling at the miracle that is their offspring. Rather than, say, wanting to superglue the little buggers to a bench.
I’m not bitter. Harrumph.
I was just having that coffee shop discussion with a friend the other day. I agree with you entirely!
Hmm… small semi-related children capable of tricking you into sticking your finger in their poo….. definitely “Cook” genes in these children, based on earlier posts of childhood traumas inflicted on your person, instigated by siblings.
Also, let me get this straight, small children with incomplete frontal lobe development are capable of tricking you? You are truly neotenous
LOL, I definitely sympathize with your sarcastically comical views on children. I too was the essential and stereotypical professional single woman. When the day came to do the lovely and ever-graceful task of urinating on a stick and in a cup, I could not imagine my life any different than it was (I took 3 tests to be sure I wasn’t hallucinating!). I do not regret having my child, but as I remember being ridiculously irritated to the point of violence when in restaurants, coffee shops, funerals and weddings, etc., I keep in mind BABYSITTER! While I was in fact very lucky with my son as he truly is a freak of nature via his incredible disposition and behavior especially in public venues (nature’s trick so I’ll continue to procreate as I would never get this lucky twice!…I also feel that perhaps he was smart enough in utero to not dare misbehave out of fear as his delivery was simple as well!)…back to the point-I still become annoyed when I see brats misbehaving and mouthing off and ruining an outing or event where they shouldn’t be, but the parents as well for their ridiculous, sheepish grins rather than taking their child in hand. I feel more of a violent streak toward the adult responsible for the ridiculous lack of tact and common sense of showing their offspring who the alpha dog is. Never does my child accompany mommy when I take a few hours each week for ME and go to enjoy the cup of coffee, etc. I’m still the woman I was before…I just happened to have given birth, but do not neglect the old self and still strike up conversations with people who are annoyed like I by the ever growing epidemic of these little poo-slinging apes!