The future is going to need a spare pair of pants.

Posted on Apr 20, 2012 | 0 comments

Those of you familiar with me will not be surprised to learn that my take on robots is BURN THEM AND KILL ALL THOSE WHO SEEK TO CREATE THEM! Have we learned nothing from Arnold Schwarzenegger movies? They are worse than giant ants! Cold, unfeeling and bent on world domination.

And now they have robots smart enough to dodge oncoming humans.

Hm.

I will reserve my panic until such time as the most advanced robot currently available no longer walks around like he’s got a serious case of the squits.

Where you going, ASIMO?  Toilet’s over on the left.

Call me.

Posted on Apr 19, 2012 | 0 comments

Whenever Mr Wry is away he likes to keep tabs on me with the occasional phone call. Despite my normal morning countenance resembling that of a very, VERY angry boll weevil, he does sometimes call in the morning.

As he did this morning, waking me form a sound sleep. A sound but very busy sleep.

Him: Hi!

Me: Herglfflpphd.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Gettingridfaboxahleeches. 

Him: What?

Me: Getting rid of the box of leeches. 

Him: Did you say leeches? 

Me: Yes. The whole box. What a mess. 

Him: What are you talking about?!

Me: I had this big box full of leeches. All sizes. So many. What a mess. They got out and they’re everywhere. I found a little shovel and manage to get most of them but the little ones were bursting into baby leeches. So many babies. They stuck to my hands. Really sticky.

Him: What the hell. 

Me: Yeah. I have to stop buying stuff like that at the farmer’s market. I just bought it because I’d never seen a box of leeches 

Him:  Did I wake you?

Me: I think so. 

In fairness to Sleeping Cheryl, if Waking Cheryl saw a box of leeches, and the price was right, she’d hover over it for at least a minute, working through various hilarious practical leech joke scenarios in her head before concluding that she likes having friends and abandoning the idea.

My entire childhood was a waste.

Posted on Apr 17, 2012 | 3 comments

I chased this dream for more hours than I care to recall, finally consoling myself with the thought that it just wasn’t possible.

I think Mr. Wry has his summer project now.

We NEED this.

Posted on Apr 17, 2012 | 0 comments

Christ we are a rudderless society.

Can you use the tube to also insert a tape worm? Just for long term sustainability of the weight loss, I’m thinking.

That cat named Chip is on your shoulder again.

Posted on Apr 16, 2012 | 1 comment

Cat people.  You can’t mention the obvious and enjoyable superiority of dogs as a species without the cat people getting all up in your chow.

Listen, I don’t hate cats. I like all animals. But I have to like one more than the others because that is human nature. Just as mothers have a preferred child from their litters (YES KATHY I KNOW IT’S YOU) so I have a preferred species.

And I’m not just whistling dixie – science backs me up. Let’s look at the evidence.

What cats get up to:

What dogs get up to:

I know who I’d rather hang out with.

The truth hurts.

Posted on Apr 15, 2012 | 0 comments

There were several of us, sitting around a table at a pub, when talk turned to a shocking local news piece.

A young fellow had been shopped to the police by his mother for behaviour she found unacceptable. To be specific, she had discovered the family cat had been interfered with. Yes, “interfered” with. Sensing, one assumes, that this was out of her scope as a parent, she called the authorities and had him arrested.

Around the table denouncements of the boy’s behaviour rang out.

“Disgusting!” 

“Why? Lord why?”

“He’s a monster!”

“Was it declawed? It had to be declawed, right?”

When suddenly, one among us stood apart, took the road less traveled and posed the question that we might have thought but dared not speak:

“Wait,  it was his cat…I mean, he paid for it, right?”

Pandemonium ensued. And while everyone else was hooting with mock outrage or laughing til they cried, I was scribbling in my notebook.

Why? Because I care about you all and take the time to ensure such moments will live on in eternity. Or until I get tired of making cards.

So here’s to you Ian, you speaker of truths, you marvellous bastard.

Reason #14 Why I Will Never Visit Australia

Posted on Apr 15, 2012 | 0 comments

What greets you upon arrival at the airport.

While I appreciate their honesty, a note mailed directly to me months before I made any decisions about vacation destinations would seem more cost effective.