Years ago, before I met Mr. Wry, I was dating this other fellow. We had reached that stage in the relationship where I stayed over at his home some nights. He lived very near a local coffee roasters and I discovered, upon inquiry, that they sold green beans which you could roast yourself. I’m nothing if not a DIY freak so I bought a small quantity to try. I ran back to the apartment like Jack with his beans, and excitedly explained my plan for the next morning. He was sceptical. I was energized by my clever idea.
Bright and early the next day, he stepped out to do what I can’t recall, and I set to roasting my beans. Following the instructions from the internet, I popped them in the oven. This was going to be a glorious morning indeed. The internet had said something about it being a fairly smelly process so perhaps I ought to open the win—
DEAR JESUS IN THE MANGER WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!?
Side note: When I was two, we went to an Air Force show. My father, who was in the Air Force, was on parade, so my mother, sister and I were hanging out with the Christies, a lovely family. The impressive show included the use of afterburners, which are designed to give supersonic jets an additional boost of thrust (or something etc blah blah science). They also create a sudden, extremely loud BOOM. The jets went BOOM and Mr. Christie got to spend a couple of hours of quality time in the men’s room (the quietest place he could find) trying to console the hysterically shrieking two year old who, it turns out, did not like sudden BOOMs. Since that day, sudden loud noises cause an immediate and unpleasant turn of my character. I become instantly furious, panicked and determined to stop the noise. It’s not a combination that often leads to particularly effective noise pollution solutions.
Back to the coffee roasting.
The noise was the smoke alarm in the apartment. The landlord of this building was quite conscientious and had installed alarms designed to alert not just the inhabitants of that apartment, but every apartment in a 3 block radius. It was a deafening, abrasive braying noise, unlike any alarm I had ever heard. Instinct kicked in.
My ex returned about 15 minutes later, to find me sitting in a very smelly apartment, enjoying what was truly one of the best cups of coffee I have ever had, the mangled smoke alarm dangling from the ceiling, where I had punched it off its mount with my bare fists. I was new to the apartment and didn’t know where the broom was.
All that to say CHECK OUT THIS GREAT SMOKE ALARM!
Much more aesthetically pleasing than your average smoke alearm, and with the added bonus of being a clear target for fist or baseball bat.
I’m going to need three.
Post script regarding relationships: How can you discern the difference between someone you ought to stay with and someone you ought not to stay with? Determine how funny would they find it if they returned to their apartment to find their new girlfriend had woke the entire building up roasting coffee for you and then pummelled the shit out of their smoke alarm. If the answer is “not funny at all” just move on right then.