As mentioned just a short while ago, my friend B has declared the flashmob “so three years ago, right?”  With the occasional, very exceptional exception, she’s right. It’s time to lay the flashmob to rest. It was fresh, it was amusing and then it was co-opted by corporations and their professional dancers, or – worse – well meaning middle managers and their employees. Flashmobs were intended to be surprising and entertaining, not 5 minutes of slow jazzercise to Man in the Mirror.

So to bid farewell to this clearly dead horse, I offer you what I believe was the best of the best: The Hammerpants Flashmob, created by the A&E network to publicize what I assume was a short-lived reality show about MC Hammer.  Enjoy first, and I will defend my position in the afterglow.

Why is the best? I know there have been bigger and better flashmobs that, back in 2010, brought a tear to your eye or a shiver to your spine. But this is my choice for the tops. Let me explain (understanding that this list of 6 reasons has been pared down from about 20).

1.  It was 2009 and the average person did not know what  flashmob was. The appearance of random people in the shop sporting golden hammerpants may have rung a bell in their brain, but they would not have known if it were for dinner or class or what. Their ignorance meant the experience was fresh. Note the lack of people filming this on their phones. Hammerpanted people milling about a shop in 2011 would be cause for every camera phone in the place to be at the ready.

2. The aforementioned hammerpants. A few dancers were dispersed in advance among the crowd, and they were wearing their hammerpants.  And when the mob arrived they, too, had on their golden hammerpants. But with dedication they stuck to the “hammerpants and whatever else you happen to be wearing” idea. Well done for not tarting it up.

3. The aforementioned mob, for a few reasons. First, they are obviously not professional dancers, which is often the preference for slick, corporate sponsored flashmobs. Second, they were not all standing among the crowd, as is often the case with later flashmobs in which the mobbers appear to make up the entire crowd themselves. There were just a few in the shop, the rest arriving later, coming out of no where in great numbers. Like a mob. Get it?

4. The absolute ridiculousness of the dance itself. Sure we all thought MC Hammer was a dance revolutionary in 1990, but we never thought it was a dance for the ages (though he might have, based on his profligate spending). We see its ridiculousness, and when this kicks off with just two people at the 20 second mark, the ratio of dancers to space,  combined with the hammerpants and the chosen intro move of the rapid sideways crabbing…well that’s new math and it equals GOLD.

5. When they departed, they departed like a mob, running and screaming. They didn’t disperse trying to be cool and pretending this whole thing never happened. THEY MOBBED YOU, BITCH! And now they are gone.

6. Finally, but very very importantly,  go to the 49 second mark for three seconds of glory.

The Flashmob. Let’s always remember it the way it was intended: with hammerpants.

Next week, I offer my critique of those hilarious, spontaneous wedding videos featuring down-the-aisle musical routines or highly scripted father-daughter dances.

But then, why make you wait until next week? Here it is now:

Fuck the fuck off.

By the way, the best part of this post? Adding hammerpants to my spellcheck dictionary. And then making it correct “ahmmerpants” ten times.