Today we hear from Chuck in Illinois who purchased some of Wry & Ginger’s laminated parking notes from Pretty Little Things in Forest Park Illinois:

I was parking in a Home Depot, (building supplies, talentless employees, etc.), when much to my dismay, I discovered someone not helping with the societal burden of parking correctly. Quickly, I reached into a pocket, and whipped out a bunny parking card, dextrously, placing it on the drivers side window. He was parked half in a handicapped spot, and half in a regular spot, with a ginormous truck, that he was clearly not qualified to operate. So, feeling pretty good about myself, I went in the store, and completed my purchase. Little did I know, the treat I was going to get, walking out to my car. Picture if you will, a little angry bridge troll of a man, huffing and cursing, looking frantically around for someone, to vent to.

Troll: “Son of a, WHO, GRRRRRR”
Me: “What’s up bud.”
Troll: “Someone put this god@*#n, card on my fu*#@ing truck!”
He hands me the card, and I pretend to read it seriously for a second, I then look at the truck, the handicapped sign, and finally him, I hand him back the card and say..
Me: “Yup, seems about right.”

As I’m walking away, he starts a tirade, cursing me out, stomping his feet, and is seething over with indignation that anyone would call him out on his shitty parking.
It was, to me, hilarious, I laughed so hard I thought a little pee was going to come out. Thanks for helping those of us, who try to be socially conscientious and help our less aware friends to become more aware that, yes, they are not the glowing center of the universe, they thought they were…

By the way, the card simply read, Look at the fuzzy bunny! Oh, you already were…well that explains how you managed to park like shit here.
Please feel free to move this post wherever you feel it would do the most good for sales, cause, I like me some Wry & Ginger!

Chuck, the word “hero” get tossed around a lot these days, but you are indeed a parking hero. Keep up the good work!

bunny look at him 300x227 Of Mice and Men, or bunnies and men...

 

 

Lucky for you (or is it?) that I have no concept of delayed gratification. I intended to hold off on this for some time as I just recently posted the 2nd Best Video of All time.

But I was goaded by a few people and I seem to have no back bone.

So today I present to you The Best Video Ever Made. You can disagree with me in the comments, but you will be wrong. And I will say in advance that I have seen Indian Superman. One trick pony.

Normally, I give you a little video breakdown here in the post, but this is The Best Video Ever Made and  as such I took the trouble to annotate the video myself. There is just so much to see!

OK, here you go:

 

 

The Golden Globe Awards were held last night, and like every other award show on television, it went unwatched by me.  Which is not to say that I am a member of some cultural elite that feels above these things. Hardly. Mr W and I fill our big screen with TV and movies piped from the internet. We have no channels and no cable, so I miss out on lots of things.  Like commercials and award shows.

But that’s not going to stop me from compiling a best and worst dressed list for your viewing pleasure. On with the arbitrary style judgements! Let’s begin.

 

WTF right out of the gate:

kelly Of puffed cereal and sequins.

Oh my giddy aunt.

There is much to speak of here but sometimes this much is too much. I will only say that this hot mess of  dress is making me hungry for my favourite organic puffed cereal.

puff cereal2 300x225 Of puffed cereal and sequins.

 

Dear me. Let’s move on.

Sarah Michelle Gellar Golden Globes 20121 Of puffed cereal and sequins.

 

The only thing that could have rendered this dress worse would be if it were actually tie-dyed. The swirling is sufficient to summon up thoughts of hippies, which is never a good thing. Why? Hippies have filthy feet and that’s a fact.  They don’t shower much and they think BO is a gift from nature. BO is nature’s way of reminding you that you are filthy, you goddamned hippie! 

All right, calming down. Let’s see another. I call this one “Phoning It In”

red Of puffed cereal and sequins.

 

It’s red, it’s fishtailed, it’s glamorous and yet…meh. You have to do something pretty unique with a dress like that for it to stand out in a sea of ball gowns. Also, more boob.  Now, here’s something a bit grim.

article 2087278 0F79B06100000578 182 232x6011 Of puffed cereal and sequins.

 

Frida Pinto is beautiful. Really, awfully beautiful. So if a woman like that puts on a dress like this and it looks like a brightly coloured potato sack on her, the rest of us can just forget it. It’s as if a set of living room curtains time traveled from 1974 just to be part of this dress. We didn’t invent time travel to support this sort of travesty! Respect the science!

Now, have a look at this one. This dress is sending out a very specific message.

consort Of puffed cereal and sequins.

This dress says “I’m a consort. It’s my job to look lovely but not detract from the real attraction here.”

It’s cut beautifully, costs a pretty penny for sure, and fits her wonderfully, but at the same time it isn’t this:

137151933 Of puffed cereal and sequins.

 

Yowsa. This is the opposite of a consort’s dress. This is the dress of the leading lady. Ka POW. On to our next specimen.

article 2087278 0F79E80E00000578 204 232x5721 Of puffed cereal and sequins.

 

Fantastic! Nancy Reagan hasn’t looked this good in years. Well done.

All right, wrapping this up – the last two notices go to ladies who both hail from across the pond – and who I never tire of seeing in movies or on the red carpet.

The award for  “Yes. That’s right. Christ. Awesome” goes to Tilda Swinton for, just, everything.

Tilda Swinton in Haider Ackermann at Golden Globes 2012 Of puffed cereal and sequins.

And last but never least, a little something to aspire to:

article 2087278 0F79D7F400000578 162 232x601 Of puffed cereal and sequins.

Knocking it out of the park, lady.

 

 

As mentioned just a short while ago, my friend B has declared the flashmob “so three years ago, right?”  With the occasional, very exceptional exception, she’s right. It’s time to lay the flashmob to rest. It was fresh, it was amusing and then it was co-opted by corporations and their professional dancers, or – worse – well meaning middle managers and their employees. Flashmobs were intended to be surprising and entertaining, not 5 minutes of slow jazzercise to Man in the Mirror.

So to bid farewell to this clearly dead horse, I offer you what I believe was the best of the best: The Hammerpants Flashmob, created by the A&E network to publicize what I assume was a short-lived reality show about MC Hammer.  Enjoy first, and I will defend my position in the afterglow.

Why is the best? I know there have been bigger and better flashmobs that, back in 2010, brought a tear to your eye or a shiver to your spine. But this is my choice for the tops. Let me explain (understanding that this list of 6 reasons has been pared down from about 20).

1.  It was 2009 and the average person did not know what  flashmob was. The appearance of random people in the shop sporting golden hammerpants may have rung a bell in their brain, but they would not have known if it were for dinner or class or what. Their ignorance meant the experience was fresh. Note the lack of people filming this on their phones. Hammerpanted people milling about a shop in 2011 would be cause for every camera phone in the place to be at the ready.

2. The aforementioned hammerpants. A few dancers were dispersed in advance among the crowd, and they were wearing their hammerpants.  And when the mob arrived they, too, had on their golden hammerpants. But with dedication they stuck to the “hammerpants and whatever else you happen to be wearing” idea. Well done for not tarting it up.

3. The aforementioned mob, for a few reasons. First, they are obviously not professional dancers, which is often the preference for slick, corporate sponsored flashmobs. Second, they were not all standing among the crowd, as is often the case with later flashmobs in which the mobbers appear to make up the entire crowd themselves. There were just a few in the shop, the rest arriving later, coming out of no where in great numbers. Like a mob. Get it?

4. The absolute ridiculousness of the dance itself. Sure we all thought MC Hammer was a dance revolutionary in 1990, but we never thought it was a dance for the ages (though he might have, based on his profligate spending). We see its ridiculousness, and when this kicks off with just two people at the 20 second mark, the ratio of dancers to space,  combined with the hammerpants and the chosen intro move of the rapid sideways crabbing…well that’s new math and it equals GOLD.

5. When they departed, they departed like a mob, running and screaming. They didn’t disperse trying to be cool and pretending this whole thing never happened. THEY MOBBED YOU, BITCH! And now they are gone.

6. Finally, but very very importantly,  go to the 49 second mark for three seconds of glory.

 

The Flashmob. Let’s always remember it the way it was intended: with hammerpants.

Next week, I offer my critique of those hilarious, spontaneous wedding videos featuring down-the-aisle musical routines or highly scripted father-daughter dances.

But then, why make you wait until next week? Here it is now:

Fuck the fuck off.

 

By the way, the best part of this post? Adding hammerpants to my spellcheck dictionary. And then making it correct “ahmmerpants” ten times.

 

 

Despite her occasional “Pfft” accompanied by the comment “Flashmobs are so 3 years ago,” had my friend  B been present to witness this, I think she might have weed herself a bit from excitement.

I, on the other hand, would have weed myself from fear at the sight of the crazy faced guy in the black suit.* A response for which, by the way,  we can thank my sister.

 

*I await a twitter beating for not knowing exactly who that crazy-faced guy was. I DIDN’T REALLY FOLLOW THOSE MOVIES CAREFULLY, OK??

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