Posts made in January, 2012

An open letter to expectant parents.

Posted on Jan 30, 2012 | 11 comments

I’ll keep this brief.

Yes, you’re having  a baby. No, you aren’t the first people to ever have one. Yes, you are probably quite excited about your impending arrival. This is wonderful and no one wants to rob you of your excitement. But that doesn’t mean they want to sit through this:

A funny thing happened on my way to the office.

Posted on Jan 27, 2012 | 3 comments

MOM, STOP READING THIS POST NOW. You are not going to find it funny and my sister may not be available to take your  ”She’s so smart. Why does she have to write things like that?!” call.

In years gone by, my beloved old dog Rudy and I would make a 20 minute walk to my office. Every day on this walk, we would cross the Halifax Commons. Made up primarily of sports fields and paths that lead from the downtown-bar direction to the residential areas, I would have to be vigilant about Rudy getting stuck into leftover food that had been dropped by a late night traveller. Rudy was a raw-fed dog and I didn’t think of food in terms of “for humans” or “for dogs” generally, but cooked chicken bones of the leftover-KFC variety can splinter and do some real damage in the gut.  They also seemed to be the late night item of choice if you plan to hurl food on the ground.

If you’ve ever had a dog, you’ll know how fast and stealthy they are about gulping down found food items. The Controller of the Meals did not hand this out, and the fact that the dog discovered it independently probably sets off some ancient bell in its brain that makes the food taste that much better. (None of that really explains the propensity of breeds like Labrador Retrievers to eat socks and the like, but that’s over-breeding for you.)

On the day in question, I spotted Rudy over by a bleacher, sniffing at something in a manner that can only be described as mighty tentatively which led me to assume it was not food. He also showed no signs of throwing himself on it and rolling about, which ruled out a carcass of some sort. Curiosity piqued, I strolled over to see what was so interesting. My life was never the same.

Lying on the ground, near a bleacher but no where near a garbage can, was a stick of pepperoni. Thicker than a Slim Jim but thinner than a hunk of kielbasa, it was about 7 inches. Why was my dog not happily chomping up his discovery? Could it be the soggy, decrepit looking condom that was enveloping about 3/4 of the pepperoni’s body?

I take you back to the girth of the pepperoni… it was not sufficient, to my mind, for anything other than what nature intended it as: a delightful snack. Its thickness to length ratio not enough to withstand any activity THAT MIGHT REQUIRE A CONDOM.

I stood there for a moment, as my brain puzzled this, until my dog – who had no intention of tangling with that thing on the ground – gently led me away from the area. By the time I arrived at the office, my mind was reeling with possibilities, all of which I outlined with S and L (who had a disturbing enthusiasm for the topic, frankly). In the end it was decided that lack of girth notwithstanding, a condom would provide reasonable protection from the spicy nature of the meat product when enrobed in, um, delicate human tissues.  Which all depends on whether or not the pepperoni was of the Hot Hot variety, information I could not supply.

What about photographic evidence, you say? These were simpler times and I did not possess a camera phone, so I have scoured the internet for a reasonable facsimile. Here it is.

(source: www.stevenhumor.com)

The Commons Pepperoni did not have legs, arms, a body, head, smoke, toque or pom-poms, but its central member bears great resemblance to what I saw that day.

Only now I have visions of it chasing me down the street, pom-poms bouncing in the wind.

The Encyclopedia Browtannica

Posted on Jan 26, 2012 | 7 comments

Eyebrow: an area of hair above the eye, coming in many forms:

1. The Overpluck. An overreaction to naturally bushy brows. Often resembling punctuation such as a question mark. E.g. Oh honey, who let you have the tweezers? 

2. The Valley Girl.  Better developed, and done with more skill, but like its namesake’s elocution it still ends on an upward note of inflection. Oh my GOD.

3. The Chola. I’d make a snide remark but I fight like a girl. A really pathetic girl. So I’ll just let this speak for itself.

4. The Choly Shit! The only eyebrows designed specifically to offer no emotional inflection whatsoever. This mugshot is from her fourth arrest for stealing levels from the local hardware shop. Tragic.

5. The Porn Brow. It’s a brow that announces a career destination and limitation all at once.

“I had dreams….dreams of being an executive.”

” No, Brandyleen, them brows is a gift from God! He wants you to pull that there train!”

6. The Scouse Brow. Designed and proudly worn by the ladies of Liverpool, England. Note how the heavy pencilling on both brows draws your eye to the negative space between them.

Yes.

But hey! Let’s not forget the gents! They have some pretty great brow work themselves.

7. The Manly Brow

That is quite the— what? he’s a what? NO. No way.

I thought it was Steven Tyler.

Let’s move on.

8. The Winged Beast.

“The natural function of the wing is to soar upwards and carry that which is heavy up to the place where dwells the race of gods”

Hey, Plato, when you’re done with writing deep verse, can we borrow some clippers? Or your lawn mower?

Finally, let’s wrap up this encyclopedia entry with a classic:

9. The Uni Brow.  I’d write something witty here but I’m busy  making an appointment with my dentist. Just a little preventative work.

“We negotiate a good price, fair price, yes? Get in.”

Oh it was quite a ride.

The Best Music Video Ever.

Posted on Jan 21, 2012 | 16 comments

Lucky for you (or is it?) that I have no concept of delayed gratification. I intended to hold off on this for some time as I just recently posted the 2nd Best Video of All time.

But I was goaded by a few people and I seem to have no back bone.

So today I present to you The Best Video Ever Made. You can disagree with me in the comments, but you will be wrong. And I will say in advance that I have seen Indian Superman. One trick pony.

Normally, I give you a little video breakdown here in the post, but this is The Best Video Ever Made and  as such I took the trouble to annotate the video myself. There is just so much to see!

OK, here you go:

I’ll make this quick.

Posted on Jan 16, 2012 | 4 comments

This is not the best video ever. I’m saving that for another day, and a longer, more involved post. But this is pretty good. Let’s get to the business.

As always, I know your instinct is to SHUT IT OFF GOD ALMIGHTY SHUT IT OFF but bear with me. I have some magic moments for you.

1, Right at the 0:00 mark. This video comes from a Scandinavian music/video show of some sort back in the day. Judging by the look I would say 1979. Judging by Europe’s ability to catch the front end of a trend, this may be 1997. I’m not sure. But what I am sure of it the majesty of that goddamn head band he is wearing. Gold, Sven. Gold.

2. The 00:13 mark. The first dancer you see – by God if that boy isn’t under some pressure. “One and one two! one and one ah ah two? Fleuvog! This dance is hard!”  I would tell you that back in those days choreography isn’t what it is now. I would tell you that but Martha Graham actually existed, so I can’t.  May I also say that I am heartened to see another dance troupe with outfits as shit as the ones I wore in 1978 as part of Susan’s Dance Studio in St. Eleanor’s, PEI.

Susan, I didn’t get into dance to wear a t-shirt to a recital, goddammit.

3. The 00:42 mark. The only time in history that men like that existed on earth without being burnt or hanged for, for.. everything… was the 1970s.

4. The 00:56 mark. The female lead. True story: she died of alcoholism. No joke.

5. 1:14 Three words: pulling a train. That’s all I can think. Don’t look away – they are relentless with this train.

6. 1:55 It was at this point that I could say, without a shred of doubt in my heart, that the dancer closest to the camera is also the choreographer. How do I know? Because that move, that glorious bastard move they pull there is THE move. He worked on it for weeks, alone in his studio with nothing but endless Swedish nights and some canned herring for comfort. Once perfected, there was no way he would allow another dancer to bring this move to his public. Also, if you play it back a few times, you will notice that he is the only dancer able to pull it off. The rest just seem to have serious leg injuries.

7. The Improv that begins at the 2:00 mark. They might as well be miming. And like mimes, they should not be surprised when an audience member unexpectedly lashes out with a blow to the face.

8. 2:27. Just go there. Go. That 2 second window is delicious.

9; My final note – 3:21. I can accurately date this now. 1981. They doing aerobics.